Under Clear Skies Chapter 44: Ugly

Chapter 44: Ugly

Translated by Fefe of Exiled Rebels Scanlations

Only the four of them were at the dining table.

“Where’s your brother?” Tang Heng asked Li Yuechi. “Won’t he eat with us?”

“He ate already,” Li Yuechi said shortly.

It was an abnormally quiet meal. The mayor tried to start conversations a few times, but Tang Heng didn’t play along and only made a few Oh‘s in reply. In the end, the mayor gave up and just told Tang Heng to eat more.

Tang Heng ate quite a lot, but he didn’t pay attention to the taste. There was a storm inside him.       

“I’ll be heading back now, Teacher Tang,” the mayor said cautiously. “Could you call Director Xu when you have a chance? He’s quite worried.”

“I got it,” Tang Heng said.         

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay.” Tang Heng took a deep breath. “Thank you for today.”

The mayor was taken by surprise. “No problem, no problem! My wife made all these dishes, haha.”   

Tang Heng nodded, thinking, I’m not thanking you for the food.

 

Tang Heng saw the mayor out of the house, then slowly steered himself back. Li Yuechi was clearing the table. Tang Heng watched quietly for a while before lowering his head and murmuring, “I didn’t eat enough.”

Li Yuechi looked up. “Then keep eating.”

“It’s too greasy.”

“There’s porridge.”

“I want to eat figs.”

“…”

“Can I?” Tang Heng rolled to Li Yuechi’s side. “Xuezhang, your figs are so sweet?”

“Ah, go pick some for the official!” Hearing this, Li Yuechi’s mom sped over and patted his back. “Hurry up.”

Li Yuechi set down the rag and stared at Tang Heng; Tang Heng met his gaze. “Xuezhang, you work so hard. How much do the figs cost? I want to buy some.”

“Oh no!” Hearing this, the old woman urged, “If the official wants to eat, then he can eat all he wants. Yuechi, hurry and go!”

“Got it,” Li Yuechi said softly. He glanced at Tang Heng, a warning in his eyes.

Tang Heng pretended not to see and smiled at him.

Li Yuechi put on his jacket and went out the door. Tang Heng craned his neck, watching him until his backside disappeared in the bend around the field ridge. He turned back and saw Li Yuechi’s mother, bending over and wiping the table with the rag. Their table was the most basic folding plastic table. Perhaps because it had been used for so long, there was a faint sheen of grease no matter how it was wiped down.

 

“Ayi, how is Li Yuechi’s business here?” Tang Heng moved over and said with a smile. “I tasted his beef jerky. It’s quite good.”

“The business is okay, but the entire family depends on him…” The old woman shook her head and sighed. “I told him to save money and buy a house in the city, but he won’t listen.”

“Can he save enough?”

“He must even if he can’t. How can he get a wife if he doesn’t have a house?”

“Oh, but he doesn’t have to worry.”

“How can he not worry?” the old woman said seriously, putting down the rag. “Official, look at my family. I only have these two sons. The little one won’t do and the older one doesn’t have a good record. Such bad karma… Official, I know my son. He’s just stubborn. Can—can you please not hold a grudge against him?”

Tang Heng was quiet for a few seconds. Then he said warmly, “I don’t blame him. Rest assured.”

“Official, you’re such a good person…”

“I want to ask a question.” Tang Heng paused, looking at the Li family’s narrow staircase. “Did his brother hurt someone before?”

The old woman didn’t say anything at first. After a moment, she heaved a sigh. “Bad karma, my second son committed the sin and the Buddha told the eldest to repay it!”

“It was that volunteer teacher, right?”

“We really wronged her, really wronged her.”

“Zhao Xuelan?”

“Such a good girl, handicapped like that. Didn’t even make us pay in the end—we couldn’t pay either! Official, don’t you think Yuechi is the karma sent by the Buddha?”

“…How did Zhao-laoshi get pushed down?”

“She came to persuade us! To send Yuechi to school! It was just such bad timing, what could we do? He’d never hurt anyone before. Just that day…” Tears rolled out of her eyes as she spoke. She grabbed her apron to wipe them away.

Right then, a scream came from upstairs. It was very muddled enunciation, so Tang Heng couldn’t understand the meaning. The old woman waved her hand and smiled stiffly. “Official, don’t be scared. He likes to yell randomly at times. He’s taking medicine now, he won’t hurt anyone…” Before she could finish, the person upstairs started yelling again. His words were unclear, but his voice was loud and bright.

Perhaps not wanting to scare Tang Heng, Li Yuechi’s mother hurried upstairs. The noise stopped soon after. Tang Heng sat in the dim living room alone, gazing at the towering mountains through the half-open window.

The mountains here were too high, too plentiful. It was like the entire world was just this patch of land surrounded by the mountains. No one could truly walk in, and no one could truly walk out.

 

By the time Li Yuechi returned, the upstairs was silent. Tang Heng guessed that they were sleeping. The afternoon village was as still as well water.   

“Eat.” Li Yuechi set the basket by Tang Heng’s feet. It was filled with figs of varying size.

Tang Heng looked up, their eyes meeting. There were some gray marks on Li Yuechi’s jacket.

“I know now,” Tang Heng said.

“Know what?”

“About Zhao-laoshi.”

Li Yuechi’s eyes turned cold just like that.

“Before… I didn’t know these things before. I couldn’t figure out why you cared so much about her. You borrowed from loan sharks to help cure her, you took care of her, you even… You might not know. I didn’t tell you before, right?” Tang Heng spoke faster and faster. His thoughts were messy too. “When she was still hospitalized, we weren’t dating yet, but one night, I went to the hospital to see her. The Central Hospital. I saw her leaning against you. You might’ve forgotten, but I still remember. I can’t forget that image whatsoever—after that, I thought that you two were dating.”

“We didn’t,” Li Yuechi said expressionlessly.

“You never told me.” Tang Heng hung his head in defeat. “If you told me, I would’ve believed you.”

“How could I tell you?” Li Yuechi lifted the corner of his lips in what was like a furious smile. “Tell you my dad got black lung from the mines, my little brother is retarded and he even pushed a volunteer teacher down the mountain just because I was doing homework and didn’t pay attention to him—how do you think I should tell you all of this?”   

Tang Heng reached out to hold his hand. “I understand now,” he said, voice trembling.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Li Yuechi said.

 

A cost, he’d said six years ago. He’d said that life was an equation. If he received something, he’d have to pay the equivalent cost. It was like a puzzle that he’d figured out six years too late. It turns out the cost of you going to high school was Zhao-laoshi’s handicap, the cost of you going to university was that your dad got black lung, Tang Heng thought. This explanation came too, too late.

Li Yuechi pried Tang Heng’s hand loose. His expression was frigid, but his voice was calm. “This is it, Tang Heng.”

“What is ‘this’?”

“My life.”

“…”        

“I thought that as long as I didn’t go looking for you, I could, how do I say it?” He scoffed, as if mocking himself. “I could leave an impression that isn’t so horrible.”

“It’s not—not horrible.”

“Yes, even if it’s not horrible,” Li Yuechi said, closing his eyes, “it’s very ugly.”

 

Ignoring his injured feet, Tang Heng stood up shakily, wanting to hug Li Yuechi with all his might. Those emotions from six years ago were still there. He’d tossed and turned during countless nights over that image of them hugging. He’d tried his hardest to guess what kind of relationship Li Yuechi and Zhao Xuelan had. That puzzle had been like a knot that he could never undo or get over. Even if Zhao Xuelan had passed away. Even if he and Li Yuechi had gotten together.

Tang Heng threw himself at Li Yuechi, hugging him and quivering. He didn’t know why he was apologizing. Perhaps this matter had nothing to do with apologies—nobody had to apologize—but he really wanted to say sorry. He must say it, no matter who he said it for. He was apologizing for his life—his life that wasn’t horrible, but ugly.

“I told you not to trick her into saying things.” Li Yuechi caressed Tang Heng’s back, softly, as if reluctant to part. “Pardon my ego and forget me, alright?”

 

Author’s note: it’ll be sweet soon!