Under Clear Skies Chapter 48: Not Good Enough

Chapter 48: Not Good Enough

Translated by Fefe of Exiled Rebels Scanlations

When Tang Heng saw the words Director Xu on the screen, it actually felt like a lifetime away. He blanched for two seconds before finally remembering what he’d done—he’d smashed the hotel window, caught Sun Jihao cheating with Manager Qi in bed, then ran to Banxi Village at midnight, leaving this indescribable mess behind…

He didn’t want to answer the phone.

But the next second, it was like Li Yuechi could read his mind and pressed the green symbol.

Tang Heng braced himself and took the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello, Xiao Tang?” Director Xu’s voice was extremely hoarse. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Tang Heng said.

“How come your phone is off? Aiyo, scared me out of my wits.”

“It ran out of battery.”

“Oh, as long as you’re safe. I was seriously panicking.”

Tang Heng didn’t believe it. He must’ve already contacted the mayor at midnight—otherwise, he wouldn’t have called Li Yuechi’s number.

“Director Xu.” Tang Heng frowned. “Do you need something?”

“Oh, look at you, Xiao Tang.” Director Xu chuckled wryly. “Aren’t we here for work?”

“What’s the point of working anymore?”

“We have to give an answer when an incident rises like this. The liaison office, the poverty alleviation office here, it’s all very troublesome…”

“Then I’ll have to trouble you with it.”

“Oh.” His tone changed a bit. “You’re not going to care about the mess you created?”

“Shouldn’t you be happy that I won’t care about it?”

“Xiao Tang, what are you doing this for?”

“I have more important things.”

“I’m unlucky as hell.” Director Xu heaved a dramatic sigh. “None of you make my life easy.”

Tang Heng wasn’t in the mood for the bullshit, so he said, “I’ll chat with you when I’m free.”

“Don’t hang up yet!”

“What?”

“I heard that that guy is your classmate. He stabbed Professor Tang back then, right?”

“Right.”

“I’m coming over tomorrow,” Director Xu said. “It’s not suitable to be talked about over phone. We’ll talk in person.”

 

When Tang Heng first started calling Director Xu, Li Yuechi went outside with the basin as if purposely staying away. He hadn’t come back yet and the phone was in Tang Heng’s hands. He couldn’t help but start studying it. Smartphones had already been invented when they’d broken up, but they hadn’t been anywhere close to as common as now. The features weren’t as advanced now. After six years, Tang Heng suddenly realized that he barely knew a thing about Li Yuechi, like what phone brand did he use? Six years ago, he’d used a generic brand and the phone had been heavy like a brick. Now—oh, he was using Xiaomi.

The background was dark green, like one of the default wallpapers. The apps were extremely minimal too—Wechat, Taobao, Alipay, Bank of China, wait… Douyu?

This name was familiar to Tang Heng and he froze for a few seconds before remembering that it was a livestreaming app. Last semester, some students had done a group project on the Douyu livestream content. Li Yuechi watched livestreams? What kind of livestreams? Tang Heng thought back to the group project and three big words appeared in his mind: pretty female hosts.

Those female hosts who were as pretty as flowers, who sang and danced sexily, had curvy hips and slender waists.

Tang Heng frowned. Just as he was about to click into the app, a notification suddenly jumped out on the screen.

Fliggy flight app: the flights Guiyang—China Macao that you subscribed to have updated!

The door was pushed open and Li Yuechi came in. “Done with the call?”

Tang Heng held up Li Yuechi’s phone. He knew that his expression wasn’t looking good. “Why are you looking at flights from Guiyang to Macao?”

“You looked through my phone?” Li Yuechi asked calmly in response.

“It popped up by itself.”

“…”

“Are you… are you checking when I’m leaving?”

“…”

“You want me to leave?”

“Tang Heng.” Li Yuechi’s brows furrowed. “I’ll bring your food over.”

“Li Yuechi!”     

Li Yuechi had already turned around, but he stood in place without moving.

 

Tang Heng knew that he was being dramatic. Perhaps in the first few days that he and Li Yuechi had reunited for, Li Yuechi indeed wished that Tang Heng could leave sooner. Perhaps Li Yuechi wished for him to leave sooner and, at the same time, he felt horrible. Extremely horrible. Tang Heng understood all of this reasoning, but he couldn’t control himself. He didn’t know if these were symptoms of his BPD coming back. But as soon as he thought of leaving Li Yuechi, as soon as he thought of Li Yuechi wanting to push him away, even if they were just thoughts he hadn’t acted upon—Tang Heng’s rational mind shattered with a crisp sound, like a thin piece of porcelain.

Tang Heng forced himself to manage a calm voice and call out to him, “Li Yuechi.”

Li Yuechi’s back was still to him. “You don’t want to leave?” he asked in a low voice.

“I won’t leave.”

“You won’t leave tomorrow, you won’t leave this week, but what about after that?” Li Yuechi paused. “You can’t stay in this kind of place.”

“I’ll be wherever you are.”

“Tang Heng.” Li Yuechi turned around. Calm helplessness floated over his face. “I can no longer go to the places that you can go to. And you shouldn’t stay in the place where I am.”

His words were like fire that erupted into flames in Tang Heng’s mind, burning him so that he shed tears instantly. Tang Heng couldn’t figure out why he was like that. Even more, he couldn’t figure out why Li Yuechi would think like this. However, the worst thing was that even so, he could understand what Li Yuechi meant.

In a way, they were now two types of lives.

“You’re doing it again.” Li Yuechi walked over to Tang Heng and reached out to wipe away his tears, but fresh tears surged out instantly. “I can’t do anything when you’re like this.”

“Don’t kick me out,” Tang Heng said, voice trembling.

“Okay, I won’t.”

“Don’t think about it either.”

“Mn.” It’s like he was coaxing a child. “I won’t.”

“Li Yuechi!” Tang Heng suddenly grabbed his collar and exclaimed, “I’m being serious.”

“I’m serious too.” Li Yuechi gazed into Tang Heng’s eyes. A moment later, he picked up his phone, opened the flight app, and entered the past orders. “I wasn’t checking when you’ll go back. I got the notification because—”

He stuffed the phone at Tang Heng. The screen showed an order from last September, going from Guiyang to Macao. The transaction had failed.

“Because I almost bought tickets before. That’s why it sent the notification.”

“To Macao?” Tang Heng said dumbly. “Then—then, why didn’t you go?!”  

“It was just an impulsive thought.” Li Yuechi lowered his eyes and chuckled. “Plus, I have a criminal record. It’s difficult to get the travel permit*.”

That burst of fire extinguished in only an instant, leaving behind ice-cold embers all over the ground.

“You’ll always be here from now on, right?” Tang Heng said, realizing belatedly.

Li Yuechi answered, “Yes.”

It wasn’t that he wanted to stay in this remote village or city. It seemed that only now did Tang Heng realize that this man was no longer the Li Yuechi with a bright future—no longer the Wuhan University scholar that people spoke of, no longer the young man who’d promised to find a job in Beijing after graduation.

He’d gone to jail. He had an aging mother and a handicapped little brother. He couldn’t go anywhere.

Tang Heng blanched for a moment. Then he hugged Li Yuechi with all his might, pressing his cheek against Li Yuechi’s thin shoulders.

“I’ll stay,” Tang Heng said.

Li Yuechi sighed softly. “It’s not worth it.”

“Then what is worth it? Getting permanent residency in Macao? Making money? Being a professor?”

“These things are all great. They’re good enough for you.”

“—Then what about you?”

Calmly, Li Yuechi said, “I’m not good enough.”

 

Translator’s note: Macao and Hong Kong are special administration regions. Mainland Chinese citizens need a travel permit to visit.