Chapter 10: Matchmaker (Part 2)
Are you quite done, Gin?
With the approach of Dea, Gin and Feisha braced themselves.
Their silhouettes slowly converged, then split apart.
Letting out a relieved sigh, Feisha turned to see Gin making a similar reaction. “You and Dea…”
“What?” Suspicion instantly overtook whatever relief Gin may have had a moment ago. Feisha smirked.
“He’s your ex?”
“How did you know!?”
“…I was joking,” replied Feisha, slack-jawed. Gin immediately hauled him up by the collar and threw them both over the second-floor railings. Having prior experience this time, Feisha merely held on until he felt solid ground beneath his feet, adjusted his collar and made to leave.
“Oi, where do you think you’re going?” Gin nervously stood in the doorway, blocking Feisha.
“Taking a shit,” Feisha sang.
“Ugh, you sickening human. How could you do such a revolting thing?” Gin said in disdain, covering his nose.
“I’m taking a shit, not actually eating shit. What the fuck are you so worked up about?”
Gin narrowed his eyes in disgust. “How could you say such vulgar things all the time?”
“I’ve literally only said it for two minutes. Besides,” Feisha paused, a trace of hostility finding its way into his next words, “I wouldn’t need to go if it wasn’t for you throwing me around. Don’t you know that surprise stimulates bowel movement?”
At Gin’s suspicious glare, Feisha turned around and bent over: “I can prove it with a fart if you don’t believe me.”
“Just go do your thing!” Gin very nearly sent him off with a kick. Feisha ran to his room lightly- too much movement would make it hard for him to hold it in.
Going to the toilet is urgent business, after all. This can be seen by how certain individuals had forcefully changed McClelland’s Three Needs Theory from the need for achievement, need for affiliation and need for power to the need to fart, need to piss and need to shit.
Finally satisfied, Feisha pulled up his pants, washed his hands and happily walked out of the bathroom.
Gin was sitting cross-legged on his bed.
“What are you doing here?” Feisha asked, startled.
“You were much calmer in the middle of the night.”
“When was this?” asked Feisha ‘confusedly’.
His acting was watertight, Gin cursed inwardly. But now was not the time to dwell on the past- there was a more important matter that needed to be addressed.
“Whatever, we need to talk about what’s going to happen in the future.”
“What kind of future do we have together?”
“If you don’t solve the problem then you’ll have no future altogether,” said Gin, darkly exposing his teeth. Feisha lunged away next to his wardrobe, saying between shudders: “I’m so scared! I’m so scared! That’s so scary…”
“…Stop acting and talk properly.”
Feisha let go of the wardrobe and stood up straight. “Ahem. I just thought that maybe it’s a little too disrespectful to your teeth’s automatic retraction function if I never show any reaction to it.”
“Do you want your head to have the same function?”
“How many times can I use it?”
“Once. It gets scrapped after use,” Gin said coldly.
“Then no thanks. We need to recycle.”
Gin chewed at his finger. “Uh, what were we talking about?”
“My head’s automatic retraction function.”
“No, before that…” He seems to have recalled the topic, looking up to give Feisha an icy look.
“…I’m the only human on Noah’s Ark.”
“So I’m very important, and am not allowed to die.”
Gin raised an eyebrow. “That will depend on how cooperative you are.”
Feisha gave in with a sigh. “Don’t tell me Hughes doesn’t know about you and Dea.”
All the ice in Gin’s expression instantly melted. He stared pitifully at Feisha, almost like a kicked puppy.
Feisha felt chills running down his spine. Rubbing warmth back into his arm, he asked suspiciously, “Are you cheating on Hughes?”
If so, then he’d have to expose this pervert masquerading as a vampire!
Immediately, Gin rose from the bed and lightly flipped some hair off his face. “As a noble member of the blood clan, how could I do something so hurtful to my lover?”
“Then what are you afraid of?”
A light flush appeared on Gin’s face. “Even nobility like myself find themselves telling little white lies occasionally.”
Gin sighed, resigned. “I told Hughes that I was a virgin.”
Feisha visibly shook with the effort of holding back laughter, grin widening. Just as he was about to burst, however-
“I’m going to rip out your throat if you dare to laugh at me.”
“Ah-choo!” Feisha let out a big sneeze, then straightened as if nothing had happened. “And Hughes believed you?”
“The thing between me and Dea happened before Hughes came. Furthermore, it only lasted three days,” Gin said, holding up three fingers. “The only one who knows besides us is Isefel.”
A three day romance. The beginnings of a thought lit up in Feisha’s mind like a candle, and was immediately put out. He really didn’t want to think about that.
“So,” Gin continued, pinning Feisha in place with his gaze. “I’m sure you know what I’m about to say.”
“Got it in one.”
“Do you know what my name is?”
“Correct. My father gave me that name. He was quite obsessed with wuxia works, and superheroes were all the craze back then,” Feisha said, getting emotional from thinking about the parents he had left behind. “That’s why I was named Feisha Shi. He had always hoped that I’d grow up to be a courteous, just person…”
Gin’s expression was one of confusion.
“It’s a shame I let them down and didn’t get into police academy.”
“…What does that have to with me and my secret?”
“Well- nothing, I guess,” Feisha said with a light chuckle. “I just wanted to tell you.”
“…Anyway, if Hughes ever catches wind of this thing, you’re dead.”
“It might not be me who accidentally lets it out, you know. It could be Dea.”
“Dea would bury the incident six feet under if he could. No- more than that.” On that topic, Gin was rather hurt. “He said that it was the darkest period of his life.”
Feisha felt compelled to share his thoughts. “To be honest, I think that you might want to ask Hughes to reconsider your relationship.”
Gin instantly whipped around, alarmed. His eyes felt like white-hot lasers on Feisha’s skin.
“O-Of course, I’ll make sure to keep quiet about the things I need to keep quiet about,” Feisha hastily managed. It’s really not a big deal; everyone has a shameful backstory.
“Fei, my friend,” said Gin gently after a pause.
“Please don’t call me that, I’m getting goose bumps,” Feisha said, fighting shivers of disgust. Gin shuffled in closer in response, smiling.
“What do you think about my suggestion earlier?”
“Didn’t I already agree?”
“Not that; the thing between you and Dea.”
Feisha looked at him blankly, unimpressed. “What thing between me and Dea? It’s clearly between you and Dea.”
“Heheh, I’ve been working at Noah’s Ark for a very long time, but you’re the most interesting human out of all of them,” Gin said, grabbing his shoulder.
“Is that a complement?”
“No, I’m just stating my thoughts.”
“With the previous humans, as soon as I show my teeth they all get scared into becoming readily available.”
…Hold on, what?
“What do you mean by ‘readily available’?”
“That they agree to everything I say, duh,” Gin said.
“Oh. That’s not how we use that phrase.”
“You guys are so behind with the times.”
Feisha was at a loss for words. “…We’ll do better next time.”
“Uh, what were we talking about?”
“Being readily available.”
“I’m the most interesting human you’ve met.”
“Mhm,” smiled Gin. “That’s why I’m going help you and Dea.”
He sure sounded regal. “Do I have a choice in this?”
“No, it’s mandatory.”
“Believe me, you won’t regret getting together with Dea,” Gin said with a smile.
“Then why did you break up?” asked Feisha.
“Because he regretted it.”
There was an awkward pause.
“I wasn’t lying about being straight, you know,” Feisha said earnestly. Gin thought about this for a moment, then asked:
“Do you think Dea is beautiful?”
“Well, I think that the concept of beauty is a very broad one, and-”
“It’s a yes or no question.”
“See?” Gin’s smile twisted into a sneer. “Humans differentiate genders on a very shallow, physical basis. Since this concept doesn’t apply to Dea, you can stop using gender as an excuse.”
“So you’re saying that vampires don’t differentiate by physical attributes?”
“We of the noble blood clan don’t rely on shallow physical characteristics, of course. We look to the deeper physical characteristics.”
Feisha inwardly raised his middle finger.
“You know,” he said, pausing. “I realised earlier today that Hughes is really beautiful as well. Maybe more than Dea.”
Golden locks flung into the air, Gin pointed at the door and roared, “You, get your ass to Dea. Taking shits is forbidden until you seduce him!”
Feisha strolled leisurely out into the hallway, saying, “Oh, noble one of the blood clan. Since when did you start saying phrases like ‘taking a shit’?”
Exiting his room, Feisha glanced at his watch; it was dinner time. The dining hall at this time was at its busiest, with both staff and customers coming down to relax. Waving at some of the latter category, he stood at arm’s length to them and swept his gaze across the room, finally deciding to sit next to the dwarf, Layton.
Despite being the closest to Asa out of everyone here except Hughes, Feisha couldn’t help but think that his spit problem really needed to be looked at.
“You asked Isefel for a raise?” Layton asked quietly.
Feisha was surprised. “How did you know?”
“I heard it while testing my newest invention, the Domino Listening Device.”
“What does it have to do with dominos?”
“That’s not the point, the point is that you actually asked Isefel for a raise.”
“But I failed.”
“What I’m concerned about isn’t the outcome,” Layton said in a dark tone. “There has never been a pay raise in Noah’s Ark since its creation.”
“And you actually. Asked. Isefel. For. A. Raise.”
Feisha pinched the bridge of his nose. He wished that he’d gone to eat with Asa instead; at least with spit-drowned food, it would still be possible to eat.
[…] McClelland’s Three Needs Theory from the need for achievement, need for affiliation and need for power to the need to fart, need to piss and need to shit.
As per usual, the original Chinese: 孔子说的‘人有三疾’——狂妄、矜持和愚昧硬生生地用时间改革成‘三急’——放屁急、小便急和大便急kǒng zǐ shuō de ‘rén yǒu sān jí’——kuáng wàng, jīn chí hé yú mèi yìng shēng sheng dì yòng shí jiān gǎi gé chéng ‘sān jí’——fang pì jí, xiǎo biàn jí hé dà biàn jí (lit. Confucius’s words that ‘people have three diseases’ – arrogance, aloofness and ignorance was forcefully changed over time to ‘three urgencies’ – the urgency to fart, urgency to piss and urgency to shit). Yes, this is an actual saying. As far as Chinese google knows, the origin of the phrase isn’t necessarily Confucius, but the ‘three urgencies’ thing is a real thing that people say as a joke. This is mainly due to the fact that the word for ‘diseases’ used here has the same pronunciation as the word for ‘urgent’ (jí). Unfortunately, there is no handy quote about bodily functions in English that I know of, so I settled for the Three Needs Theory. Sorry, David McClelland.
“[…] He was quite obsessed with wuxia works, and superheroes were all the craze back then […]”
The individual characters of Feisha’s name literally mean rock (石shí), flight (飞fēi) and hero (侠xiá). While it’s not considered outrageous by any means, this name is quite superhero-y, clearly drawing some inspiration from fiction (wuxia, in this case).
Hey guys, Tracy’s an idiot
Here’s something I forgot to mention back when it was relevant: Dea’s actually more elf than faerie, appearance wise. The Chinese name used for his species is 精灵jīng líng, which could mean both the conventional Tinker Bell fairy and elves (Legolas is bae <3). Or wizard, according to google translate, but that’s why you have me and not google translate. I guess I should’ve gone with elf instead, but it’s a bit too late for that now. Just keep in mind that he doesn’t have wings or wear pink tutus.