Under Clear Skies Chapter 81: The Copper-Colored Moon

Chapter 81: The Copper-Colored Moon

Translated by Fefe of Exiled Rebels Scanlations

 

Li Yuechi’s eyes widened.

“Tang Heng, you think I don’t know?” The woman’s voice was colored with tears, sharp yet tragic. “You can fool other people, but you can’t fool me! Tell me why you won’t go abroad! Say it, why aren’t you going abroad?!”

“Doesn’t this suit your wishes?” It was Tang Heng’s voice, extremely irritated. “You don’t want me to go abroad, so I’m not going anymore. Is that not okay?”

“You’re not doing this for me!”

“I—”

“You’re doing this for him, aren’t you? You prepared hard for four years and finally got something in return, but you don’t want it anymore! Don’t you remember how many times you’ve fought with me about this? You had more reasons than anyone! You said you wanted to be an academic, you said foreign research is more advanced, you said all these things, didn’t you, Tang Heng? I never asked you, but I know you… When you were little, didn’t your dad keep telling you that you should do research when you grow up?”

Tang Heng was silent for a while as if wanting to comfort her. “Mom, people’s wishes change… I’m staying in China now, so you can see me whenever you want to. Isn’t that good? Plus, the company that I signed with is reliable and I do like to sing. Isn’t this… perfect in every way?”

“I’d rather you go abroad, Tang Heng,” Fu Liling said, voice pained. “How can you do this for a… for a man… I’d rather you study abroad.”

Tang Heng stopped speaking. He stared at the shiny glass shards on the floor.

“Before, you insisted on going abroad. I had no choice but to convince myself that you’ve grown up, you have your own ideas, this is a good thing—no matter how much I worry about you or can’t bear to part with you, I shouldn’t stop you from chasing your dream. But now? You decided not to go, just like this. You didn’t even pay the deferment fee. You really didn’t leave any options for yourself! Tang Heng, did you give up on your ideal just for some love? Then what about everything you said to me before?!”

“This is my life.” Tang Heng didn’t dare to look at her eyes. “I will take responsibility for my choices.”

“Take responsibility my ass!” Fu Liling actually swore out loud. “You’re only 21. What do you know about responsibility? Do you know the consequences of what you’re doing? I’m telling you, Tang Heng—you can’t take responsibility at all. You can only bear the consequences.”

“Mom.” Tang Heng lowered his head and said, enunciating each word, “I really love him.”

“But he’s a man—”        

“I only love him.”

“Love, Tang Heng. Can love pay the bills?” Fu Liling covered her eyes, but tears seeped out of the cracks between her fingers. “You love him so much, but what about him? How much does he love you?”

“He really loves me too.”        

“You say he loves you and then he admits in front of all his classmates that he’s dating a girl?”

Tang Heng’s expression fell. “How did you know?”

“How do I know—I’ve known about your relationship since long ago! You two were already together that night he came to borrow books, right? He didn’t come to borrow the books, right? I’m your mom. How could I not tell? Not only me—your uncle knows too, we all know! You say he loves you, but has he ever thought about your feelings? Does he dare to admit this relationship? What does he take you as?”

“He was only helping that time!” Tang Heng insisted. “That girl was harassed by a shixiong for a long time. He was only helping as a cover-up!”

“Harassed? Then why didn’t he tell you and have you ask your uncle? He could even ask your uncle directly. Your uncle would do something about it! But he just had to pretend to be a couple with that girl? There was no other solution? Tang Heng—was he helping that girl as a cover-up or did he ask that girl to help him because he doesn’t dare to admit your relationship?”

Tang Heng couldn’t say anything. He suddenly thought of that meal at Fuchunxuan, the lively scene when Xu Rong said that Li Yuechi and Tian Xiaoqin were dating. Did his uncle already know his relationship with Li Yuechi? Then, did Xu Rong know? Did the other students know? Right, Li Yuechi’s roommates already knew that Li Yuechi was dating. Even if people had only heard bits and pieces, they would know that Li Yuechi and Tian Xiaoqin dating was a pure lie.

So, when Tang Heng had left the meal halfway through, what had they all been thinking?

All these memories surged into his mind, even those thoughts that he thought he’d already made peace with or had forgotten. It was that feeling again, like his brain was split apart. One half told him to stop thinking. The other half said, You know these thoughts are correct…

“Mom.” Tang Heng took a deep breath. “Can we talk about this when we’re calmer? I won’t go out tonight.”

“Are you avoiding it? How long can you avoid it for?”

“Mom—” Tang Heng was practically begging her. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow… I won’t leave anymore.”

When Li Yuechi walked out of the faculty dorm building, the rain had stopped. Wuhan’s night sky was not a pure black like in his hometown. Instead, it was a reddish black, like there was a layer of dirty rust. Li Yuechi walked through the campus with heavy steps. There were very little passersby, probably due to the rain.

It wasn’t curfew yet, but he didn’t want to return to his dorm. He trudged toward the apartment. The university campus was too big and the apartment was still long ways away. Li Yuechi pressed his phone’s button. The screen stayed black and didn’t react. It had turned off long ago. He remembered how Tang Heng told him not to put his phone on silent, how Tang Heng would randomly add money to his phone account, how Tang Heng seemed to be extremely scared of them losing contact. No matter when he called Tang Heng, he always picked up quickly.

So, this was how it felt to want to contact someone but be unable to reach him no matter.

He remembered their few fights again. Tang Heng was always the one who reached out first. That time he missed Tang Heng’s performance because he was comforting Tian Xiaoqin, it was Tang Heng who went to the apartment to find him the next day; when Tang Heng said over New Years that they should cool down, it was Tang Heng who called him on New Year’s Eve; even that time Tang Heng ran away from lunch, it was he who returned to their apartment in the end.

Li Yuechi remembered how Tang Heng sat on the stairs that night. He’d brought himself right to the door as if fearing that Li Yuechi would give up from not being able to find him.

Thinking back to all this, maybe Li Yuechi was indeed a horrible lover.

He got tired from walking and sat down on a campus bench. He was shocked that he could still think about questions calmly. Such as, Tang Heng’s mom seemed to be right—You love him so much, but what about him? How much does he love you?

It felt like he was doing math again. How could he prove this equation, this proposition? If he put his and Tang Heng’s efforts on either side of a piece of paper, like: Li Yuechi gave up on returning to Guizhou after graduating, gave up on his plan of improving his hometown that he’d had when becoming a sociology major, and decided to find Tang Heng in Beijing. Then, the corresponding sacrifice would be Tang Heng giving up on his academic ideals in order to be with Li Yuechi, giving up on the offer from University of Chicago and staying in China as a singer with an unreliable future.

In order to date Tang Heng, Li Yuechi took an extra tutoring job and transferred home 200-kuai every month. (He used to send back 2000, but he sent back 1800 after dating.) 

In order to date Li Yuechi, Tang Heng rented an apartment, bought furniture, paid the electric and water bills beforehand, and traveled between Beijing and Wuhan every week (and always bought the most expensive plane tickets).

In order to save money for his phone bill, Li Yuechi smoked less than before.

In order to spend more time with Li Yuechi, Tang Heng always ate the cheap cafeteria food that he hated.        

Li Yuechi believed that everything had a cost.

Tang Heng said that liking him was free.

Li Yuechi leaned back in his seat and stared at the night sky. No matter how he listed or calculated, it seemed impossible to write in an equal sign. Of course, he probably shouldn’t turn these sacrifices into tangible numbers, giving me one point, giving you two points—it couldn’t be calculated like this.

But if he didn’t do this, it would be even harder to prove how much he loved Tang Heng.

Li Yuechi thought of the story of Bi Gan getting his heart dug out. The night sky hung low and there was no moon. He suddenly wished he could dig his heart out. He could burn it for three days and three months, like refining copper, until it was white-hot. Then he could place it on the forging table to hammer it countless times. Finally, it would turn into a thin, copper-colored moon.

He could hang his heart in the sky and Tang Heng could see him whenever he missed him.

Two beams of white light shot over from the distance and a gray Volkswagen stopped in front of Li Yuechi. Professor Tang rolled down the car window and said in surprise, “Xiao Li, how come you’re here?”

Li Yuechi was brought back to reality. “…I’m just sitting here for a moment.”

“Ah, are you still worried about the equipment?” Professor Tang sounded gentle and even a bit regretful. “You didn’t pick up when I called you! I wanted to tell you that Wang Lili admitted it. She had already shipped the equipment away before you and Xiaoqin arrived at Dawu.”

Li Yuechi blanched for a few seconds. “You mean… it has nothing to do with us.”

“Yes! I was too anxious these past two days and didn’t think clearly,” Professor Tang said earnestly. “You and Xiaoqin are both good kids! Ah, you know, the Internet is scary these days. If news gets, it would become a charity corruption scandal, and that would be very troublesome. That’s why I was so anxious!”

Li Yuechi pushed back his sweat-drenched hair. “Then, why did Wang Lili slander us?” He felt extremely dazed.

“She didn’t expect that the equipment would be in sets and thought she could fool everyone. Now that she’s been caught, she wanted to drag you two down too.” Professor Tang chuckled. “You two are students, after all. She knew that the school would protect you. Fortunately, she admitted it now…”

The car window rolled up and Professor Tang drove away. Before leaving, he said caringly, “You can continue with the Dawu project. Don’t feel burdened. You worked hard these days, so you can rest for a while and return later.”

Li Yuechi wanted to ask if he could quit the team, but before he said it, he remembered the monthly salary of 800-kuai.

In the end, he didn’t say anything. He just nodded at Professor Tang.

That night, Li Yuechi felt abnormally fatigued. He returned to the apartment and took a quick shower before collapsing into bed. This sudden crisis disappeared just like this. He couldn’t even process it. But then he thought about Tang Heng giving up on the offer for him and he felt heavy again.

Li Yuechi fell asleep and had a detailed dream. He dreamed that summer had come and it was summer vacation. He brought Tang Heng back to his hometown. It was much cooler in the mountains than in the cities and a breeze blew past Tang Heng’s low ponytail. Tang Heng wore that white t-shirt with a red heart on his chest. He stretched out his legs and sang while sitting beside the village creek. The water was crisp and the sunlight dazzled. He watched Tang Heng, not saying anything, and felt that life was perfect.