Mary Sue Chapter 23: Am I the only one laughing for real?!

Translated by J.

Editor: Addis

Once Dugu had eaten some food and taken his medicine, he rested against the wall with his eyes closed.

Meanwhile, Ye Xi opened the system interface to read the next quest.

Main Quest 15: Following the assault on Huangfu X at the wedding, not only does Murong X not show any concern for Huangfu X’s injuries, he escapes in the ensuing chaos, further enraging Huangfu X. Once his injuries have been adequately treated, Huangfu X personally leads a group of bodyguards in pursuit of the audacious little creature. After successfully capturing his prey, Huangfu X devises the perfect punishment for Murong X, one that will let Huangfu X vent his anger and humiliate Murong X at the same time…

Once you are captured and brought to the helicopter, let Huangfu X demeaningly bend you over his knee and spank your bottom fifty times. Curse him every time he spanks you. (0/1)

Ye Xi breathed a sigh of relief after reading the quest instructions, “…”

Phew, it’s only spanking, nothing too pornographic.

As a self-professed ‘straight guy’, Ye Xi obviously did not comprehend the erotic implications of spanking…

In a similar vein, Shen Xiulin’s Main Quest 15 must be to ‘capture Murong X and spank his bottom fifty times.’ Although Shen Xiulin knew Ye Xi’s exact location, he had not yet come after him.

The Chief Executive must be deliberately giving me time to conquer the male extra! I mustn’t let him down! Ye Xi curled his fingers into a fist, ready for the upcoming challenge. He turned around to look at the peacefully resting Dugu and decided on a conquest strategy of ‘melting the iceberg with warmth and laughter,’ so he asked, “Do you want to hear a joke?”

Dugu opened his eyes, there was a trace of expectation in his expression, “Hmm…”

Ye Xi quickly searched his brain for jokes he had read before and randomly chose one, “Once upon a time, there was a prince. He was cursed by a witch to only be able to speak a single word once a year.”

Dugu nervously examined Ye Xi’s face, then carefully raised the corners of his lips, “Very funny.”

Looking confused, Ye Xi replied, “…but I haven’t’ gotten to the funny part yet.”

Dugu pressed his lips together in discomfort, looking almost apologetic, “I’ve never heard a joke before, I thought it was time to laugh.”

Ye Xi could not help but feel sorry for the poor assassin. He continued his story, “So the prince saved up one word every year. After five years, he went to see the princess so he could tell her, ‘dear princess, I love you.’”

Dugu looked cautiously at Ye Xi, ready to laugh at any moment.

Mr. Ye Haha, who was easily amused, began to laugh out loud at his own joke. He chortled as he continued, “But the princess said, ‘what?’”

Looks like I should laugh now. Dugu raised the corners of his mouth and offered a couple of low chuckles.

Ye Xi sat up exuberantly and cheered, “You’re laughing!”

The adorable little flower had successfully made the cold-blooded assassin laugh. According to conventional wisdom, the male extra’s affection stats should be skyrocketing right now.

Dugu nodded as he watched Ye Xi laugh as radiantly as a small sun, he asked carefully, “Tell me another one?”

“Sure thing, I’ve got tons more.” Believing he was onto the right strategy for conquering the assassin, Ye Xi cheerfully sat cross-legged as he began to rack his brains for all sorts of ridiculous jokes he read on Weibo¹ and retold them to Dugu.

Meanwhile, at the wedding venue…

Like an iron fortress, tens of thousands of Huangfu bodyguards formed a protective barrier around Shen Xiulin, their heads heaving back and forth like ocean waves. It was more crowded than the tourist hotspots during the October Golden Week public holiday.² The crowd could smother a tank, let alone a sniper.

Though, the bodyguards had already lost sight of Young Master Huangfu.

But if we can’t find him, neither can the assassin! The bodyguards optimistically comforted themselves.

So, they continued their frantic protection of their young master.

After squeezing through the army of bodyguards with all his might, the poor chief executive was stopped by the emergency special medical team that was airlifted here from the main Huangfu family estate. They forced him through a full physical exam, then carefully treated the burns ³ on his right arm for over an hour.

The team leader of the emergency special medical team, who was also the top-ranking surgeon in the world, shouted, “Burn ointment, quick.”

A nurse immediately passed the ointment.

Surgeon, “Wipe, please.”

Two nurses wiped the sweat off the surgeon’s forehead.

Shen Xiulin’s face turned livid, “That’s enough. I have an urgent matter to attend to. Butler, prepare my helicopter for takeoff.”

The butler looked like he was on a suicide mission when he refused Shen Xiulin’s order, “My sincere apologies, Young Master, I cannot obey your command. Treating your injuries are our top priority right now. Please be patient when it comes to recapturing the Young Mistress.”

The surgeon wrapped bandages all over Shen Xiulin’s injured arm in a frenzy, then demanded in a stern voice as he extended his hand, “Scissors.”

Shen Xiulin was so aggravated that he almost developed a heart attack.

Thunder and lightning instantly flashed across the horizon.

Back at the abandoned factory, Ye Xi spent the entire afternoon telling jokes to Dugu. He had exhausted all of the jokes he could think of, then in a wild attempt to gain more of Mr. Assassin’s affection, he began to tell stories about interesting things he experienced in the real world, in the form of “my butler told me he had a friend who…”

Dugu’s performance was also quite satisfactory. He went along with Ye Xi’s storytelling and laughed at the appropriate moments. It totally looked like character development for the melting of a heart sealed in ice.

The sun had set when Ye Xi finally ran out of stories to tell. Ye Xi shut the factory door and bolted it from the inside, then dragged a few heavy boxes over to barricade them against the door.

Once he had finished, Ye Xi spread the sleeping bag on the floor, then said to Dugu, “You can sleep in here.”

Dugu looked askance at the sleeping bag that could only fit a single person, then shook his head, “No, you should.”

Ye Xi refused earnestly, “No, you should. You’re wounded, it would be more comfortable for you to sleep in the sleeping bag. Here, be my guest.”

“I’m alright to sleep without it.” Dugu quietly chuckled, “I don’t get cold.”

Ye Xi had no retort for this, “…”

Indeed. There’s nothing wrong with his logic.

So Ye Xi burrowed into the sleeping bag with a grumbling stomach. Dugu edged closer to Ye Xi, then holding the gun in one hand, he closed his eyes and rested against the wall.

I wonder how much affection the male extra has for me right now…Ye Xi mumbled to himself. He exposed only his eyes from the sleeping bag. As his bright gaze fixed on Dugu, he asked “Are you asleep?”

Dugu calmly replied, “Not yet.”

Ye Xi decided to win some more affection points before bed, “So I guess you’ve never heard any bedtime stories either?”

Dugu’s eyes lit up momentarily as he smiled, “No.”

Ye Xi replied with heartfelt sympathy, “Then I’ll tell you one now. When I was little, I used to fall asleep to this story from…my butler.”

Dugu uttered a soft ‘Hmm’.

Ye Xi began in a kind, gentle voice, “A long, long time ago, there was a little girl who sold matches…” ⁴

Dugu quietly watched Ye Xi with a quivering gleam in his eyes. It was not clear whether he was listening to the story or not. But it was obvious that the iceberg-like male extra was melting at a remarkable speed.

Ye Xi woke up in the middle of the night from a cold that chilled him to his bones, as well as a cacophony of bright light and loud noises coming from nearby.

Ye Xi opened his eyes to find Dugu laying next to him, hugging the sleeping bag to his chest. He seemed to have also been woken up from the noise outside. Dugu held the gun in one hand and struggled to stand up by leaning on the other.

Ye Xi wanted to crawl out of the sleeping bag to see what was happening, but could not move at all with his limbs frozen stiff.

Ye Xi glowered at Dugu in frustration, “…”

Hey buddy, with a refrigerator physique like yours, please don’t hug anyone in your sleep!

“What’s happening outside?” Ye Xi asked Dugu, who was peering outside the window, while Ye Xi tried to move his fingers and toes to regain control of his body .

“Huangfu is here.” Dugu replied as the atmosphere around him began to change. As Ye Xi watched Dugu’s silhouette next to the window, he suddenly felt Dugu’s outline become razor-sharp.

Ye Xi, “…”

Why would the Chief Executive follow me here in the middle of the night?!

But Ye Xi was grateful that the chief executive made such a racket outside, otherwise he might have frozen to death in his sleep like the Little Match Girl.

Meanwhile, one of Shen Xiulin’s bodyguards could be heard over a loudspeaker, saying something along the lines of ‘you are surrounded, surrender Young Master Murong now and we will let you live, blah blah blah…’

Ye Xi managed to narrowly crawl out of the sleeping bag. As he jumped up and down to warm his body, he asked Dugu, “How do we get out of here?”

Dugu stiffly examined their surroundings while covering his stomach. He acquiesced, “We’ve been surrounded, there’s no way out.” He paused for a moment, then mumbled to himself, “How did Huangfu get here so fast…”

Ye Xi ignored Dugu’s question as he peered from a window. Shen Xiulin stood at the head of a black mass that was a large army of bodyguards. Floodlights from the helicopters lit up the surrounding area like daylight. The edges of Shen Xiulin’s trench coat fluttered in the night air, the result of his Aura of Tyranny fanning his own ultra-cool entrance.

When they locked eyes, Shen Xiulin grabbed the megaphone from his bodyguard and dutifully fulfilled his role as a man so arrogant and imperious, that he must have been mentally defective, “Listen here you insolent little creature…”

Ye Xi quickly popped his head back down like a little hamster.

The chief executive’s heart skipped a beat from the onslaught of cuteness. He quickly composed himself, then continued, “You have tried my patience to its limit. I am going to count to ten, then the factory will be blasted into rubble. I don’t care who is inside, if I can’t have you, no one else will! Zero…”

“Can you escape by pointing a gun at me like earlier?” Ye Xi asked.

Dugu shook his head, “No, there are snipers in the trees.”

Looking exasperated, Ye Xi asked, “Then what do we do now?”

The chief executive yelled at the top of his voice, “One…Two…Three…”

Ye Xi, “…”

I haven’t gotten the experience points yet. Don’t ruin it for me, sir!

Dugu hesitated for a moment before looking intently at Ye Xi, “You should go, they won’t hurt you.”

Ye Xi coldly hmphed and turned his head sharply to one side, “No.”

Dugu was taken aback, then quietly chuckled, “Are you copying me?”

The chief executive sped through the countdown, “Four, five, six…”

Ye Xi, “…”

My dear Chief Executive, could you please slow down?

Dugu showed his usual equanimity. He spoke in a stern voice, without a shred of fear, “I’m going to surrender. They said they won’t kill me if I let you go. Someone like Young Master Huangfu won’t go back on his word. I will find a way to escape, then come rescue you.”

The chief executive counted even faster, “Seven-eight-nine…”

“Let’s go outside first.”

Afterall, it will be embarrassing for the Chief Executive when he counts to ten but can’t bring himself to blow up the factory.

Ye Xi pulled Dugu up and dragged him by his hand as they walked out from the factory. He threw his arms out in front of Dugu and stared at Shen Xiulin with a stern expression, “We’ve come out, please give us a bit more time.”

Shen Xiulin slightly narrowed his eyes and retorted in a cold voice, “What if I say no?”

Ye Xi pouted, “Then I’ll cry.”

The Chief Executive is such a lousy teammate, it’s infuriating!

There was a twitch in Shen Xiulin’s jaw muscle, then he waved his hand and signalled the sniper to stand down.

Casual observers might have taken this to mean that despite Young Master Huangfu openly declaring he would severely punish Little Master Murong, but in reality, he loved him so much that he could not even bear to see the little master shed any tears. How he had spoilt the little master rotten!

Everyone had forgotten the fact that the Little Master Murong would go blind from crying…

Ye Xi turned around to look at Dugu – the iceberg who was so moved that he had melted into a puddle of water. Deciding to use the same trick as last time, Ye Xi quietly urged, “I’m leaving now, do you have anything to say to me?”

Looking a little wicked, Dugu curved one side of his mouth into a crooked smile, “Actually…”

Ye Xi waited for his confession with radiant, expectant eyes.

Dugu, “I can’t understand jokes.”

Ye Xi paused for a moment before asking, “Was it removed along with your pain perception?”

Dugu nodded. He whispered, “Laughter, pain, none of it means anything to me.”

Feeling awkward, Ye Xi exclaimed, “So you’ve been faking your laughter all this time…?”

Was I the only one laughing for real?!

“No, it was real. I can’t comprehend humour, but I can feel joy.” Dugu held Ye Xi’s hand to his chest. His eyes so bright as if something burned from within, “And now, I feel pain here.”

Ye Xi gritted his teeth, “…”

This part of the script is so heart-wrenching! But I can’t afford to cry!

“Although we’ve only spent one day together, but…” Dugu held Ye Xi’s hand, which was turning blue from the cold, and knelt down on one knee. He pressed a soft kiss on Ye Xi’s fingertips, “You are my princess, I love you.”

At that, a system alert sounded in Ye Xi’s ear.

Perhaps it was due to this particular male extra being one of the toughest to beat in the Mary Sue world, Ye Xi and Shen Xiulin each unexpectedly received 40,000 experience points.

“Good heavens! You…” are worth so many experience points! Exclaimed Ye Xi. A radiant light seemed to beam out of his exquisitely beautiful face as a heartfelt joy casually seeped out of the corner of his eyes before turning into a bright, cheerful smile.

Dugu looked reassuringly at the smiling youth before him, who shone like a flower in the sunlight after his confession. He urged with a tenderness in his voice, “Go on, wait for me to rescue you.”

Meanwhile, the thunderstorm that had been brewing over the horizon finally released its loud rumble…

 

Author’s Notes:

The chief executive: Celestial thunder of the ninth heaven, heed my call. Obey me at once⁵, strike!