Under Clear Skies Chapter 20: Doesn’t Admit It

Chapter 20: Doesn’t Admit It

Translated by Fefe of Exiled Rebels Scanlations

Editor: Addis

“Where are you?” Fu Liling demanded. “Do you know what time it is? Why aren’t you home?”

“…You didn’t go back to Shanghai?”

“You’re just waiting for me to leave so you can be free, huh?” Fu Liling raised her voice. “An Yun’s mom already told me! You three were fighting again?! Did you get hurt?!”

Tang Heng sighed inwardly. “No, I’m fine.”

“Get back right this moment.”

“I’m staying at Jiang Ya’s tonight.”

“I’m telling you to come home. Let me see how beaten up you are!”

“I’m seriously—” Tang Heng frowned. “Seriously fine.”

“Tang Heng!”

“…”

“I can’t make you listen anymore, right? Then, do you think you can take care of yourself?” Fu Liling spoke faster and faster. Tang Heng listened to a few sentences and then threw his phone onto the table. He stared at the phone with a frigid expression as Fu Liling’s rapid-fire voice streamed out.

“You want to study abroad, you think the academic environment abroad is better, fine! Then act like an academician! Look at what you’re doing all day? If you can cause so much trouble right under your uncle’s eyes, you’ll go crazy when you go abroad! Tang Heng?!”

Tang Heng looked down and said in a low voice, “I’m listening.”

“You’re already in your twenties, Tang Heng.” She sighed and changed to the tone of a wise elder. “You’re not a 15- or 16-year-old kid who picks fights. You’re already an adult, got it? If you get seriously injured, or you seriously injure someone else, what will you do? And me, what will I do? I work so hard to earn money for you. All my effort is only meaningful if you live happily and healthily. Tang Heng, you—”

“Mom.” Tang Heng took a deep breath. “I know.”

“If you know, why do you still anger me like this? I told you to come to Shanghai, but you refused. I went through all that to make some space in my schedule and I came back just to have you anger me.”

“…Mom, is your only wish for me to be healthy and happy?”

“Of course. I don’t expect you to accomplish anything spectacular. As long as you’re healthy and happy, it’s better than anything else.”

“I’m only happy if you can admit that thing.”

“What?”

Tang Heng was quiet. On the side, An Yun and Jiang Ya had expressions of horror. One shook her head while the other waved his hand, both mouthing, Don’t do it!

Tang Heng said, “I’m gay.”   

The other end of the phone fell silent.

Jiang Ya and An Yun stopped moving too, like they’d froze.

Tang Heng continued, “I don’t like girls and won’t marry a girl in the future. Mom, do you understand?”

There was still no sound from the other end of the phone. Tang Heng hugged his arms and waited calmly.

A beat later, Fu Liling forced a chuckle. “You’re still young. No need to talk about marriage yet. Honey, is this the trend with the kids who play with bands? We were like this when we were young. Freedom in dating was the trend back then. We hated it when our family arranged dates. But look at me and your dad. Our families introduced us… Honey, you’ll understand in a few years. These beliefs change.”

“This has nothing to do with age. Mom, I told you before. I knew in middle school that I don’t like girls. This was the case before, now, and in the future—”

“Nonsense!” Fu Liling interrupted. “Homosexuality doesn’t exist! You kids just like spouting nonsense that you learned from those foreign movies!”

He actually guessed this would happen. He didn’t have any hope at all—after all, this wasn’t the first time. Tang Heng scoffed. “You can pretend it doesn’t exist. I’m not going home tonight. Bye Mom.”

“Tang Heng, get back here!”

Tang Heng hung up and turned off his phone.    

Jiang Ya and An Yun were dumbfounded.

Tang Heng didn’t say anything. His expression was dark.

 

Voices rumbled around them. Only their table was as quiet as a funeral. After a long while, Jiang Ya wiped the sweat from his forehead and patted his chest. “Thank god I’m straight.”

An Yun glared at him. “Do you know how to talk?”

Jiang Ya quickly corrected himself. “Thank god I don’t have a mom like this.”

An Yun: “Never mind. Shut your mouth…”

“Hey, no, that’s way too… You know.” Jiang Ya got close to Tang Heng, his face full of confusion. “What did Auntie mean? Is she in denial? How can she scape from this? I thought she’d break down and disown you…”

“She thinks that it won’t exist if she doesn’t admit it,” Tang Heng said.

“Huh? Uh…”

“That’s intense.” An Yun inhaled her smoke and murmured, “This is even worse than objecting directly. If she pretends that she doesn’t know, if she doesn’t admit or respond to it, then you can’t talk to her about it at all.”

Jiang Ya was still confused. “Whad’ya mean?”

“You’re so stupid!” An Yun said. “Just think. If you object to something, that means that you admit this thing exists. Otherwise, what would you be objecting to?”

“Oh, that’s right… Fuck! So Aunti doesn’t even admit that gays exist, let alone whether she accepts or not!” Jiang Ya suddenly grasped Tang Heng’s hand and said emotionally, “My son, your life sucks.”

“Fuck off.” Tang Heng slapped his hand down. “Eat your damn grilled chives.”

Jiang Ya grabbed some grilled chive kebabs and have An Yun half. “Come on, An-ge, let’s increase our testosterone.” After chewing for a moment, he continued, “Isn’t she lying to herself, then? How do gays not exist? Have Tang Heng bring a boyfriend home tomorrow.”

An Yun rolled her eyes. “Bring whom? You?”

“Aw, c’mon!” Jiang Ya raised his pinky and said in a high-pitched voice, “I like girls! But if it’s Heng-gege, then…”

“It’d be better to bring me.” An Yun ran her fingers through her hair. “Hottest tomboy in Hongshan.”

Two precious gems.

Tang Heng laughed helplessly. “Fuck off.”

 

After the three finished eating, they bore the drizzle to arrive at Jiang Ya’s house. As soon as they entered, An Yun rushed to shower in the second-floor guest room. Jiang Ya and Tang Ya sat barefoot on the ground. Jiang Ya took two bottles of beer out of the fridge and the two drank while chatting lazily.

“When did you come out of the closet?” Jiang Ya asked.

“Third year of high school.”

“Fuck. So early.”

“When did you get a room with a girl?”   

Jiang Ya burped and didn’t reply.

After stopping for a few minutes, he started up again, “How did you tell your mom?”

“She accused me of dating a girl too early. I said I didn’t and just happened to come out of the closet.”

“You’re wild!” Jiang Ya said in awe.

“…”

Tang Heng thought back to the scene. He’d imagined many possibilities in his mind. Would Fu Liling cry? Pick up a broom and beat him? Break down and scream and yell? Or even accuse him of disappointing his dead father? But it had been none of that. Fu Liling had just shaken her head and said casually, Honey, you’re still young. Don’t say those things again.

Perhaps she truly just wished for him to have a safe and secure life. But being gay and going abroad wasn’t in the range of safe and secure.

An Yun finished the shower soon. She’d changed into a baggy T-shirt and shorts and walked over in flip flops.   

Then Tang Heng went to shower. They stayed overnight at Jiang Ya’s home often, so there were always clothes for them in the wardrobe. When Tang Heng walked out of the bathroom in a T-shirt and shorts like An Yun, Jiang Ya also showered and changed into a set of new clothes.

The problem was… they were too new.

It was a tailored peacock blue suit, with a Van Cleef & Arpels white onyx brooch on the chest. He was also wearing a pair of white leather shoes—brand unconfirmed. Ineffably showy.

“Whatchu doing?” An Yun gaped. “You have a date tonight? Then we should… go somewhere else?”

“What are you thinking?!” Jiang Ya wriggled his shoulders and walked towards Tang Heng. “What do you think about my outfit?”

Tang Heng: “…”

“I fought a mental war with myself while showering. I feel like, with our relationship, I should help you!”

“What relationship do you two have?” An Yun asked.

“Like father and son!” Jiang Ya jumped to the side, easily dodging Tang Heng’s kick. “It’s just pretending to be a boyfriend. I can do it!”

In that one instant, Tang Heng really wanted to kill him and bury the secret.

An Yun forced down her laugh and said with mock seriousness, “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“How is it not necessary? Tang Heng can bring me to Aunti and then we’ll… Um…”

“You’ll what?”

Jiang Ya flattened his lips, seeming like he was gathering his courage. “He can kiss my cheek… Just my cheek, not my lips!”

An Yun stared at him. Two seconds later, she said, “I’m gonna vomit.”

Tang Heng wordlessly picked up the drumstick on the table. “Jiang Ya, come here.”  

Jiang Ya took a few steps back. “Tang Heng, don’t repay my kindness with violence.”

 

The three played a few rounds of cards, broken intermittently with laughter, and listened to two full CDs. Jiang Ya was snoring already. His house was a loft and the living room was awfully big, with three long sofas along the walls. Jiang Ya was sleeping on the center sofa; Tang Heng and An Yun took the left and right.

Across the messy coffee table, An Yun whispered, “Are you still going abroad?”

“Dunno.” This topic annoyed Tang Heng. “I’ll go if I can.”

“To the US?”

“Yeah.”

An Yun stopped talking. Tang Heng thought she’d press on with, What’ll happen to the band if you leave?—What would happen? Perhaps find a new singer, perhaps disband. Their band was purely for fun. None of them planned on making it career. He and An Yun would probably keep doing academics, while Jiang Ya had mentioned that he had to inherit his family business.

“Actually, what Jiang Ya said makes sense,” An Yun spoke up. “If you find a boyfriend, Auntie would have to admit it, right?”

“Do I just find one from the street?”

“Eh, go to gay bars more often.”

“I’m too busy.”

“This is your own fault.” An Yun sighed. “You don’t like the ones who flirt with you, but then you refuse to go looking by yourself.”

Tang Heng didn’t answer, basically agreeing by default. Even though he’d realized his sexual orientation long ago, he’d never dated or even felt the urge to date.

 

Not long after, An Yun fell asleep too, her breaths becoming soft and steady. The rain continued outside the window, while the room was cool because of the air conditioning.

In the silence, Tang Heng thought of Li Yuechi’s face again. A moment later, he got up in the dark and used the hazy light from the outside to find his phone.

He turned it on. There were four unanswered calls from Fu Liling and one from his uncle.

Nothing else. Tang Heng suddenly realized that he hadn’t even given his number to Li Yuechi.

Then he thought of something else, his brain strangely connecting the two together—   

Li Yuechi needed money.

But he didn’t.

 

Author’s note: Xiao Li appears next chapter! (Really love writing the three bickering