Translated by Addis of Exiled Rebels Scanlations
On Saturday morning, before lunchtime, a red Porsche pulled out of the thick woods and climbed up the road to the house of Augusta Hollich.
Augusta stood at the door with Kyfayar and the unicorn to greet the guests, while Quentina was busy making lunch in the kitchen. The unicorn gnawed impatiently on the wildflowers at the door. Kyfayar was nervous, as if he was not greeting Augusta’s friends but the head of state.
“Look at that car, sir!” Kyfayar pointed to the red Porsche coming in the distance. “Is that Miss Lilianna’s car?”
Augusta squinted. “Probably.”
“… It’s a car.” Kyfayar murmured.
“What did you think she would drive?”
“Er… A pumpkin carriage?”
“What nonsense! Lilianna is a witch, not a fairy godmother!” Augusta rebuked, “Don’t say such nonsense in front of Lilianna later, so as not to make her laugh — it’s my face that will be lost.”
“Yes, my lord.” Kyfayar agreed. “But,” he murmured after a few seconds, “she’s so rich to drive a Porsche.”
“That’s just a piece of money!” The unicorn let go of the poor wildflower and said scornfully, “Augusta’s mount — that is, me — is worth a hundred Porsches! Only poor people who are hungry and cold can drive that kind of broken car!”
“But you can sit in the car as you like, while you don’t let people ride you freely…”
The unicorn glared, “Aren’t you a werewolf? You have four legs. Why do you need a walking tool?”
“Enough from you two!” Augusta interrupted them, “Stop this schoolboy level brawl!”
The unicorn shut up. Normally, he would have choked Augusta with a few words, but now he shared the same hatred as the magician — how can Lilianna, that ungrateful woman, come to see a joke!
“And Kyfayar,” Augusta said fiercely to the werewolf youth, “let me make it clear to you that today we’re just ‘pretending to be a couple’ to deal with Lilianna. Don’t mistake it for what I actually think of you, and you can’t think too much of me either. Do you understand me?”
“Understood!” Kyfayar answered loudly. Thanks to Miss Quentina, Augusta reluctantly agreed to let Kyfayar pretend to be his boyfriend. For him, it was just a play to repel Lilianna; but for Kyfayar, it was the first time that he could stand beside Augusta as a ‘couple’. Although he was only pretending, he was still full of joy and was excited for several days, like a big dog who had been promised to ‘go out and play together.’
The red Porsche drove up the hill and stopped in front of Augusta’s house. A man and a woman got out at the same time. The man was in a suit and leather shoes, dark red tie, an elite white-collar and successful person’s appearance, carrying a paper bag. The woman was dressed in a dress that made people know her identity as a witch at a glance: a black low breasted long skirt, a black tulle shawl, a pointed witch’s hat, and long blue and purple hair. It might be natural or deliberately dyed. Standing together, they were like a picture of time and space disordered.
But Augusta was not much better. Augusta was dressed in a dark blue robe with a short cloak and a magic rune necklace around his neck, he wanted to pin all his medals on his chest. Kyfayar wore a silver-grey suit. The day before yesterday, Augusta called Adalee’s store and asked her to send over all the new men’s clothes of this season. How could Adalee refuse to let a big fat sheep come into her possession? She drove a van straight over, making the house look like a fashion show.
“Ah, Augusta, long time no see!” The witch said hello to Augusta in a loud voice, allowing him to kiss her cheek politely.
“I haven’t visited you for a long time. Did you miss me?”
Augusta sneered, “I don’t know if I missed you, but you obviously didn’t think about me.”
The witch pursed her lips. Her lipstick today was as bright as her hair. “I knew you were a jerk.”
She took the arm of the man beside her and pulled him forward. “This is my boyfriend, Herbert Gunther. He’s an alchemist who works for a pharmaceutical company.”
Augusta shook Herbert’s hand quietly. Herbert was handsome and graceful, with a smile on his face. He was the type who women loved almost immediately. Augusta peeked at Kyfayar from the corner of his eye. The werewolf’s face was not as good looking as the alchemist’s.
The witch said to Herbert, “This is Mr. Augusta Hollich, the great mage who is as famous as Lord Cavaldien of the high office.”
“Lilianna often mentioned you to me. She said you are her best friend,” Herbert shook Augusta’s hand.
She never mentioned you to her best friend. I don’t know if it’s my problem or your problem. Augusta thought unhappily.
Lilianna pointed to the unicorn gnawing in the lawn, “Herbert, you know the unicorn. He pulled the fancy cart at the wedding.”
Herbert nodded and raised his hand as if to pat the unicorn on the neck. The unicorn screamed and retreated, “Stay away from me, you disgusting dog man!”
Augusta frowned, “Unicorn, you are so rude. Don’t be rude to the guests!”
So the unicorn politely replied, “You’d better stay away from me. My range of spitting saliva is quite far.”
Herbert retreated to the other side of Lilianna, “The unicorn’s character is still… special.”
Lilianna covered her mouth, “As the saying goes, ‘things are like their masters’. The character of the unicorn is an upgraded version of Augusta.”
If you say one more word, be careful, I will give you a silent curse!
“As for this one,” Lilianna finally looked at Kyfayar and graciously handed him a hand. “I don’t know him yet. Introduce him, Augusta?”
Kyfayar took the witch’s hand and dropped a kiss on the back of her white hand. Kyfayar didn’t know any noble social etiquette, but a simple hand kiss would suffice. “My name is Kyfayar, dear miss. As you can see, I am a…”
“Werewolf!” Lilianna said in a loud voice, “I remember. Augusta, you called me and said Cavaldien sent you a werewolf. Is this him?”
“Yes.” Augusta was close to Kyfayar. He wanted to take Kyfayar’s arm like Lilianna and her boyfriend, but he thought it was weird so he gave up. “Besides, Cavaldien has done a good thing over the years. Now Kyfayar is my boyfriend.”
Lilianna’s eyes were wide and round, “Are you… Seriously?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?”
“My God! It’s incredible! How can you find a boyfriend when you’re such a goddamn homebody?”
“You could find one. So why can’t I?” Augusta replied in a sullen voice.
“You’re not looking for a fake boyfriend just to keep up with me, are you?”
I was seen through! But I won’t give up so easily! Augusta laughed and said, “Haha, haha, how can it be! There’s nothing to compare! Am I that kind of person?”
He winked at Kyfayar and asked him to speak for himself. Kyfayar froze for a moment, then nodded knowingly and put his arm around Augusta’s waist. “I am devoted to Lord Augusta!” He said firmly.
Augusta stared at him intensely.
Lilianna looked at them suspiciously and touched her pointed witch hat. “I must listen to your love story.”
“Well, hehe, of course, I’m also curious about your experience of meeting Herbert.” Augusta, with goosebumps from being in Kyfayar’s arms, squeezed out a peaceful smile, “Come in, Lilianna, Herbert.”
Kyfayar finally let him go, allowing him to lead the guests in. The unicorn felt bored and went out to eat grass.
It was not lunchtime yet, so the four sat down in the living room for tea. Quentina bought them drinks, fruit, and her homemade biscuits. As soon as Lilianna saw her, she took her hand excitedly, “Oh, Miss Quentina, long time no see. You are still so beautiful!”
“No, I’m so old. Don’t praise me.”
“By the way, I have brought you a present!” Lilianna picked up the paper bag they had brought in from Herbert’s lap and took out a small, beautifully packaged jar. “This is the sunscreen I brought back from abroad. It’s very useful.”
“How kind of you!” Quentina exchanged a few words with Lilianna, wearing a smile the whole time, and left happily with her present. Augusta looked alert. Quentina had always acted like a mother, was Lilianna trying to buy her with a jar of sunscreen?
“Augusta, you look so bad. Did you feel unbalanced when I gave Quentina a present?” Lilianna chuckled, “Don’t worry, I brought you a gift, too.” Then she took another thing out of the paper bag.
It was heavy and smooth, like a thick male genitalia. Augusta took it awkwardly from Liliana.
“What? A fake penis?”
“How rude! This is shiva-lingam, which I brought back from India. It is a symbol of the gods.” 1
“You mean it’s a fake penis for reproductive worship?”
“It’s shiva-lingam.” Lilianna said, “the businessman who sold this to me said that it represents the power of creation and can protect all people’s children. I thought that it must also protect ordinary people by helping them find a suitable object as soon as possible. Otherwise, there will be plenty of children and grandchildren, so I bought it for you. I didn’t expect you to have a boyfriend so soon. It must have been my pious wish that moved the gods. Augusta, you must offer a good sacrifice to Shiva.”
Augusta had a blue vein on his forehead, “I… Thank you.” He repressed his magic that was on the verge of boiling, otherwise, he would have crushed the linga. Why was Quentina’s present sunscreen? My gift is a fake penis? There is no logic!
“Kyfayar…” He clenched his teeth and said, “send the symbol of this god to the attic…” He threw the linga to Kyfayar. No matter how stupid the werewolf was, he knew that Augusta didn’t really want to offer anything to it.
He leaned in close to the magician’s ear and whispered in a voice that only the two of them could hear, “Don’t worry, sir. I’ll hide it to make sure you don’t see it and you won’t be upset.”
Augusta said, “Mn.” The werewolf had a little look on his face.
Kyfayar took the linga up to the attic. The attic had not been cleaned yet, and there was a pile of sundries. Kyfayar threw the lingam in the debris pile. But before that, he put his hands together and paid homage to the ‘symbol of the gods’. He said, “I don’t know if there is such a god. I don’t care so much! But oh strange god, bless me and Lord Augusta!”
The author has something to say:
1. According to the design, the story happens in modern England, and people in this world are not surprised by magic. Lilianna attended the wedding in India (it was mentioned at the beginning that she was jet-lagged), so she would bring back Indian local products to send people off.
2. The unicorn galloped for an hour and a half from India to England. Yes, unicorns are faster than jets. Yes, it can fly.
- The Shiva-lingam is described as the aroused manhood of Shiva. The worship of Shiva-lingam, especially on Mondays, is popular among young unmarried girls searching for husbands. And Shiva is said to be the source of the Kama-sutra. The Shiva-lingam has nothing to do with fertility. In fact, Shiva is called the ‘destroyer.’ Learn more HERE.