My Home is Not a Magical Creature Farm by Lips Are Lost 0
Genre: BL, fantasy, supernatural, humor, comedy, romance
Year Published on JJWXC: 2015
Novel Status in Country of Origin: 43 chapters, Complete
~~~~Brought to you by ExR~~~~
Magician Agustsa receives a strange letter and package from his friend one early morning. The box turns out to be a young (and very naked) werewolf! This starts the humorous tale of these two men falling in love with the comedic undertones from a sassy 400-year-old vampire, a germaphobe unicorn, and other magical creatures.
Chapter 1: Magician Augusta
Translated by Addis of Exiled Rebels Scanlations
Augusta was wearing a nightgown, his hair was messy, and his eyes were still asleep. His toothbrush was hanging out of his mouth, and his toothpaste all over his lips. He opened the door, confused, and stood looking at the impatient courier holding a gigantic box outside his house.
“Your parcel and letter, sir.” The courier rudely shoved a letter to Augusta and put a pen under his eyes. “Please sign it!”
Augusta took the pen and scribbled his name. The courier seemed to have a grudge against the waybill; he tore it off, put it in Augusta’s hands, and slammed the door.
What a bad attitude! Augusta looked down for the express company’s name on the waybill, vowing in his heart that he would tell everyone never to use them in the future.
The package and the letter were from his friend, Cavaldien. It was a big box, big enough to fit a body. What strange thing did that guy send?
Muttering, magician Augusta walked to the bathroom and dropped the letter on the living room’s coffee table. After brushing his teeth in the bathroom, he washed his face and came to the kitchen without shaving. He opened the refrigerator only to find nothing but rows of canned milk.
Maybe I can conjure up something to eat. Augusta closed the refrigerator door sadly and then rejected the idea. It’s too much trouble to waste magic on such small things as sesame and mung bean. Lilianna had come by to visit yesterday and made him a big dinner. There is half a roast chicken left. I’ll have that for breakfast.
He microwaved the roast chicken. If Cavaldien saw what he was doing, he would have yelled, ‘You shame your title as a magician, using a microwave oven instead of magic! How can I know a friend like you? I don’t know you! Please act as if you don’t know me later. Thank you!’ Aha, that’s great. Next time, I should invite Cavaldien to come. I will personally demonstrate sixteen simple microwave cooking methods in front of him — standard like instructions!
A few minutes later, Augusta opened the letter. Cavaldien had written it, and the tone was as bad as he was.
Recently, I was shocked to hear that your house was broken into. I am angry at this unfortunate accident and deeply sympathize with you who have been hit hard.
As I have been on a business trip recently, I can’t visit your house in person (the word had been crossed out) and see you (the word had also been crossed out). Therefore, I’d like to send a small gift.
P.S. If you can handle this kid’s monthly troubles, I promise he’ll be the perfect house guard.
Augusta only knows that there are two species of creatures in the world that cause trouble once a month. One was a woman, and the other was a werewolf. He assumed Cavaldien was talking about the latter because he doesn’t think women could be addressed as a ‘he’ or that a woman would defend his property. According to what he had seen and heard from some of his girlfriends, he should be thankful he didn’t lose all of his stuff.
The magician calmly crumpled his friend’s letter into a ball, flattened it on his palm, and summoned a flame to burn it to ashes. Cavaldien is such a warm-hearted person, he thought. He gave me a werewolf as a security guard. He is so kind. Next time I should invite him. I’ll even cook and serve him myself and put all the stuff in the frying pan into his annoying mouth.
Then Augusta rushed to the gate and prepared a lock charm that could be used on the werewolf packed and sent to his home. But when he arrived at the gate, he was horrified to find that the box was open and empty.
Bang bang! From the kitchen came the clatter of plates. Augusta kicked the empty box out of anger and rushed back into the kitchen. The scene inside made the magician suddenly think that he should bombard his friend with magic fire a hundred times.
A naked young man with grey hair was sitting on a chair, holding the roast chicken leg in one hand (half of the roast chicken cooked by Lilianna yesterday) and a glass of milk in the other hand (the cup was a souvenir from Augusta’s college graduation year, with a stupid graduation picture on it), from which he drank a lot before choking. Seeing Augusta, the young man put down his glass and waved in a friendly manner, “Hello! Are you the owner of the house? Good roast chicken. Do you have anything else?”
If Augusta was an ordinary magician, he would have cast an offensive spell, such as the sleeping spell or a lock charm. But he was not a general magician, so he summoned the magic encyclopedia from the bookshelf. Under the youth’s curious gaze, he held up the hardcover brick book with a thickness of one thousand pages and smashed it against the other man’s head.
The young man fell from the chair onto the ground, headfirst. For a moment, Augusta didn’t know whether he was alive or dead. The drumstick in his hand had also fallen to the ground.
It’s a curse to waste food. If Lilianna knew, she would cry! Augusta picked up the drumstick, put it under the faucet, and washed it. If food falls to the ground, it can be saved within three seconds! There’s scientific evidence for that! The magician hypnotized himself, ignoring that the floor had not been cleaned for days, and ate with relish.
That evening, Augusta, who had had only one meal, came to the kitchen, dizzy with hunger. After being knocked unconscious by him, the young man who was tied to the chair woke up leisurely. He opened his eyes with difficulty. At first, his expression was blank, as if he didn’t understand what was going on. He was obviously frightened when he found himself tied up (using a runic cord) and unable to move.
“You… What are you going to do?” He yelled at Augusta. The magician scratched his ear, shaking with pain, and warned him to shut up with his eyes.
“I should ask you this question!” Augusta pointed a silver fork at the young man’s nose as if he was a brave hunter holding a silver wedge to face the vicious vampire. “You broke into my house without my consent, ate my food without clothes, and almost blinded my eyes. It’s a light punishment to only knock you out!”
“How can you say that?” The young man opened his innocent eyes. Augusta found that he had blue eyes, but because the color was too pure, it felt fake. “Are you not Augusta Hollich?”
“I obviously am.”
“That’s it.” The young man tried to straighten up his chest but was strangled by the magic rope, and then let out his anger, “I was sent by Lord Cavaldien, and you signed for me in person, so I didn’t ‘break into’ your house. Since you personally welcomed me in, I am a guest. What’s wrong with eating a little bit of your food?”
Augusta choked. His intuition told him that there was a problem of logic with the youth’s words, but he could not find a flaw for a moment. So he snorted, “Well… What about clothes? How will you explain this problem?”
The young man replied, “It’s simple. If I don’t wear clothes, I can reduce the weight of the package.”
——Cavaldien! I’m done with you!
Augusta nearly vomited blood. He covered his sore chest and staggered out of the kitchen. He was eager to find the forbidden book, filled with black magic and curses, in his study. He would copy down some evil curses that would make the subject want death and throw them on Cavaldien one by one——
“And the express bill? Where’s the damn express bill? I’m going to pack up and send back this wolf!”
“No!” The young man screamed, “Don’t send me back! Please! Lord Cavaldien will make me into a wolf-skin bib!”
Augusta said coldly, “It’s against the law. As a civil servant and deputy director of the high commission of magic, Cavaldien is unlikely to break the law.”
“He certainly has the guts…” The young man struggled and dragged the chair against the floor with a creaking sound, “Don’t send me away! I’ll help you catch the thief. Wasn’t your house broken into recently?”
“Thank you for your enthusiasm, but I have strengthened the magic protection around the house. Don’t worry about thieves.”
“I can cook and do housework.”
“That’s a pity. I’ve got a housekeeper to do that regularly.” Augusta didn’t give him any face.
“…I can warm the bed?”
There was a sweet smell in the magician’s throat. “Go away! Get out of here now!”
Click. The sound of the door opening came from the porch, followed by the thump of high-heeled shoes on the floor. The sound stopped after a few steps. The owner of the high-heeled shoes seemed to have changed into slippers. The soft sound of footsteps made a turn into the living room and then came to the kitchen door.
“Good evening, Mr. Augusta.” A mature girl’s voice rang out from the door, “I guessed you didn’t have dinner, so I brought…”
The door was opened, and there appeared a charming beauty with fair skin and long black curly hair cascading down to her shoulders. Her ruby eyes looked at the two people in the kitchen, gaze staying on the naked youth for a while before moving away slowly.
“It seems that I have not come at the right time.” The beauty showed a delicate and complicated look, “I’ve disturbed you, please forgive me.” She chuckled, looked at the naked youth bound to the chair, and continued to tease, “But I didn’t expect Mr. Augusta’s interest was so special…” She turned gracefully and closed the kitchen door with her hand.
Augusta and the youth looked at each other.
“Who is she?” asked the youth.
“Quentina, my housekeeper,” the magician replied.
“A vampire?” the young man asked again.
“Oh, you found out,” the magician replied. Then he realized that his vampire housekeeper seemed to have misunderstood something and rushed out of the door. “Quentina, you’re mistaken. We’re not in that kind of relationship!”
“Oh, stop it, Mr. Augusta. I’m not a three-year-old, I understand.” The female vampire’s voice was smiling, “and I don’t discriminate against homosexuals, I don’t care…”
“Who cares about that?!”