Translated by Addis of Exiled Rebels Scanlations
Lin Han thought he wouldn’t cry. Because compared to this kind of emotion used simply as a catharsis, he hadn’t come back from those truths. Just like once on the battleship, the overly intimate relationship could sometimes bring up some specific images in Lin Han’s mind.
The inner perspective was He YunTing’s, so it was rare for him to truly see all that happened three years ago again from the other side’s position. He finally understood why He YunTing had avoided him at the moment of recovering his memory, and finally knew the full picture of the current events without obscuring it.
He covered his ears but it was useless, those words still pierced into his chest like a sharp knife, but it was so hollow that no blood could come out. Before he could react, the past continued to burrow into the hole, twisting the soft flesh of his heart and plucking it deeper, not allowing him to avoid it.
He saw his name and information turned into a string of symbols, together with a row of untraceable Omegas, arranged in a special database. He saw an unfamiliar face, a secret laboratory sealed in a remote place, and He YunTing walking out of it, his eyes cold and silent.
He saw He YunTing kill a lot of people, saw the last one laughing and saying his mother’s name slowly, and then cruelly spoke about the things that had happened to her one by one. The more he said, the more the expression on his face beamed with pleasure.
When he sighed and held his hand, saying, “Don’t be afraid, you can go anywhere you want.”
But when he looked at him, he was always gentle, so gentle that he couldn’t find any trace of those things in his eyes. Lin Han’s body began to tremble, a strong sadness seized his throat, and could only blur out a muddled voice.
Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.
All he wanted to do in this moment was to run away, his knees were too weak to stand, and he kept saying it under his breath. But the facts kept coming into his head, and he couldn’t avoid them, his body was covered in cold sweat, and his voice got painfully louder when he didn’t even realize it, “No, mommy, mommy—”
In just a moment, all the images disappeared.
There were no more gruesome images in front of his eyes, and only a man’s voice came to his ears, not knowing whether it was an inside thought or an off-the-cuff reassurance, “Lin Han, don’t be afraid. Go ahead and cry,” he said again, “I’m here.”
Lin Han then realized that tears had flowed down his face at some point.
The moment he realized he was crying, an even stronger grief pressed in, and Lin Han’s heart was twisted to the point where it hurt. He couldn’t control his emotions at all, and only knew to lie on the person holding him in front of him, letting his tears blot the material on his chest.
Lin Han cried very quietly, but occasionally there was still uncontrollable sobbing. If put in the past he probably felt ashamed, but now there was nothing to worry about.
“You… You were,” his voice came over muffled with salty moisture, “you were standing in front of me like this.”
Lin Han couldn’t ask the next words. He hoped that He YunTing would wake him up at that time, probably saying awkwardly, “The lecture is over, don’t fall asleep,” and he would open his eyes in the midst of the unfulfilled sleep and see those eyes when he looked up.
Maybe he would also fall in love at first sight.
But he also knew that He YunTing wouldn’t do that, and he understood that the past couldn’t be retraced, and all that would only exist in his vision.
Lin Han said, “You can hold me tighter.”
But that was where they were supposed to start.
He YunTing wasn’t good at comforting people, let alone trying to make them cry this time. He could only do as he was told, and then ran his hands down his back slowly, just as Lin Han had done before. This was the first time Lin Han had shed tears for so long.
He always thought he was strong enough to do a lot of things by himself, to take care of himself, to live well. But now he was standing in the house where he had lived for more than ten years, but finally felt powerless, in this onslaught of emotions.
The familiar image of the woman smiling and talking to him every time, there were still so many things hidden in her heart. Those things really happened to her, she had no one to cherish her as the most precious but still raised him peacefully, let him do what he wanted to do, and live as he wanted to live.
But now, one of them would never come back.
With a desperation that cannot be broken free.
“Your mother won’t blame you.” He YunTing finally opened his mouth, as if he knew what Lin Han was thinking, “What she wanted most, you have done. You grew up without any influence and without being disturbed by any emotion.”
He YunTing rubbed Lin Han’s hair.
“You didn’t drag her down. You were her hope.”
When they left the civilian area and returned to the flying machine, Lin Han was no longer crying. Except for the absence of a smile, he looked no different from normal. But he still couldn’t say anything.
Both men looked a little worse for wear now, one with red seeping from his eyes and the tip of his nose, the other with his collar all wrinkled and a small puddle of water on his shoulder.
He YunTing waited a long time for him to calm down, and only after the time was indeed late did he restart the craft and take off towards the core.
“Where to?” Lin Han suddenly spoke, his voice still hoarse from crying. He opened his mouth to ask, his voice with a bit of softness after being washed by tears, as if he had no opinion at all right now and just wanted to simply ask the other.
“Anywhere’s fine.” He YunTing still can’t help but ask, “Are you okay?”
Lin Han tried to close his eyes, trying to block out the renewed emotions, “I’m fine.” As if he was afraid that He YunTing would worry, he added another sentence, “I’ll be fine in a while.”
After a few moments, he finally made an effort to curl the corners of his mouth again, his upper lip slightly upturned because he had been crying for too long, appearing moist, making this smile vivid and pathetic.
“Let’s go.” Lin Han said.
The greenery and planting in the civilian area was random and not so well organized, but when the flying machine started up and looked from mid-air, it had a different charm. He YunTing looked at the unknown plants growing interspersed with the buildings below and suddenly remembered something.
“Let me take you back.” He YunTing said, “The tulips in the manor are in bloom, I want you to see them.”
Lin Han remembered that when He YunTing hadn’t returned from V Proton yet, he had seen his flower field once. At that time, a whole field of flowers had only drawn stems, but the buds hadn’t grown yet, and all that could be seen was a lush field.
There seemed to be a glass flower room in the middle, but Lin Han couldn’t see it from a distance, and some rare and delicate species should be planted inside. He had never seen such a large field of flowers, and naturally, he was looking forward to the bloom.
They didn’t say anything on the way, but He YunTing kept Lin Han’s hand in his.
They were like a couple still in their student days, and since they already knew all about it, they simply held their hands tighter.
When He YunTing was quiet, there wasn’t even a heartbeat, only a dry, secret-free palm.
Lin Han used his fingers to rub against He YunTing’s rough calluses. Even if he knew he shouldn’t be sad anymore, his heart couldn’t help but become sore and a little numb.
“I don’t think you had such thick calluses on your hands.” Lin Han lowered his head and asked him, “Wasn’t the training quite hard?”
He YunTing was debugging the autopilot program, flying fast, and they were about to land. He froze for a moment and replied, “It was alright. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Lin Han shook his head and stopped talking. He was just thinking that if he could do it all over again, then he would have gone to him when he was tired of training and rubbed his hands or held him back to school.
In any case, he wouldn’t let him be so miserable alone again, and the calluses on his hands would be smaller.
Lin Han inevitably felt pretentious, but he couldn’t help himself.
Just like wanting a kiss even though he would rather know the truth, he wanted to make all sorts of assumptions even though he understood that those days would never come back.
He YunTing didn’t ask more questions, just said quietly, “Here it is.”
He didn’t stop outside this time, there was a big open space next to the flower field, but he didn’t seem to want Lin Han to walk around more, so he stopped directly next to it.
Lin Han’s eyes still rested on He YunTing’s hand, probably because he had been crying for a long time and his mind was a bit dull, he said “Oh” before nodding and getting up to follow He YunTing down.
“I forgot.” He YunTing suddenly said, “Mr. Lin, close your eyes.”
Lin Han happened to be tired from crying, his eyes were sore and swollen, so he simply obeyed and did as he was told, and heard He YunTing continue, “Give me your hand.”
“——Give me your hand.”
Lin Han suddenly remembered a long time ago when he first arrived at the base, He YunTing still had a cold look, and his tone of voice was light, and for the first time he wanted to try to tell He YunTing the fact that he had the ability to read minds, so he told him, “Give me your hand.”
He didn’t expect that after so long, time would pass and he would hear the same words.
Lin Han put his hand on his, and He YunTing was afraid he would fall, so he helped him walk down. Lin Han smelled a very light fragrance of flowers.
The tulips were not a strong-smelling plant, so there wasn’t a constant scent in the air, and now it was close to evening. The fragrance only leaked out a little, even if there was such a large area, it didn’t make him feel dizzy and his chest tight.
Lin Han let the other side hold him, step by step, sniffing the fragrance, stepping forward on the clean white bricks.
He heard the sound of the door being opened, “Okay.”
Lin Han opened his eyes.
All he saw was purple, but it didn’t feel dull or gaudy, each flower had been carefully trimmed, and the color and height were just right. When the wind blew, the flowers and stems swayed lightly, and the sunset approached, pressing down a little, revealing the clouds dyed golden yellow. And not too far away from here, the flying machine was parked, as well as M2742 which stood quietly. 1
The fields of purple flowers resembled the distant, rare Erinnerung Nebula, like purple magnificent gems, and because of the light undulation, turned into a tide of purple tinted with golden light.
“I didn’t know why I was planting this at the time.” He YunTing’s tone was calm, “I just suddenly saw one day that this color of the flower field was very much like the Erinnerung Nebula I had seen before.”
But this wasn’t the same as Erinnerung.
The nebula wasn’t common, but at this moment it was within reach.
Lin Han was in the center of the glass flower room, which was filled with other lightly scented flowers, but he still only had eyes for this whole purple river of stars. His hand was still clutching He YunTing’s, and all around him was too quiet, so quiet that his heartbeat seemed deafening at this point.
“Mr. Lin—” He YunTing wanted to ask Lin Han if he liked it, but he was interrupted just before he said it.
“I have no regrets.” Lin Han said, “Everything was done of my own free will.”
There was a glimpse of sunset falling through the glass door into the flower room, and Lin Han was covered by He YunTing’s shadow, a thin layer of velvet light wrapped around them. He saw that the lines of He YunTing’s face were still handsome, and when he looked down at him, his blue eyes still held a clean, naked tenderness.
For a moment, he felt that the sunset or noon was just a light that the two had missed that year.
They had a nebula close by to witness, as if they only needed to pick up this light, they could cross the countless light years of distance, dissolve into the galaxy of the universe, back to the most ordinary day of the year.
The atmosphere was so good that they no longer needed to touch across something, even if the price was to puncture some deliberately created goodness.
“He YunTing,” Lin Han said to him as he looked at him and smiled, his eyes finally less sad this time, with exactly the same bright light as they had been all those years ago, “We have no more secrets. Come and kiss me, will you?”
Lin Han thought to himself, I really am a very greedy person.
He still wanted everything that was beautiful and sincere, a warm hug forever, the tenderness of quiet water, a hot or loving kiss.
He wanted lots and lots of love.
When He YunTing’s lips pressed his, Lin Han leaned against the glass door of the flower room, silently exchanging breaths with him.
He couldn’t tell what kind of emotions he had but his gloves had long been thrown somewhere. He wanted so much to use these hands to caress every inch of He YunTing’s skin, kiss his scars, and lick away his sweat.
Lin Han nibbled on He YunTing’s chin, grabbed the hand that had been interlocked with his fingers, and placed it on his waist.
He YunTing followed the movement of his hand and slid upward very gently, touching Lin Han’s delicate, gentle, jade-like skin.
If he used a little force, he could leave a light red mark on it.
“Let’s do it.” Lin Han breathed in sharply between kisses, “Okay?”
The glass flower room was fogged with steam, and the purple flowers gradually became unrecognizable. At first glance, it really looked like the Erinnerung Nebula, which only appeared in the border area.
Lin Han kneeled down on the cold crystal chair, just wanting to crane his neck, when he was bitten by the man behind him, who was half on his side, on the knot of his throat.
“Mn…” He YunTing’s strength wasn’t heavy, and he only felt a suffocating itch.
Lin Han shivered a little, as if he could no longer hold back, and propped his hand on the door that had become translucent, before sliding down weakly from the movement, leaving only the wet marks of five fingers scratching on the glass.
“Cry out.” He YunTing pressed the side of Lin Han’s waist and said close to his ear.
He wanted him to cry out, whether it was a sob or a cry of indulgence.
Only I can hear your voice.
There was no one else here, and their love was naked and real under the canopy, covered in a continuous wave of purple.
Without even closing their eyes, they could be drowned by the waves and be reborn in the infinite and romantic Nebula that was within their reach.